By Amie McBye (Social Media Volunteer & Grief Cafe Attendee)

Ever since reading Jason Hazeley’s article earlier this year on the loss of his sister, I’ve wanted to write about siblings and how special and unique the bond is. I also wanted to touch on how tough it is to go through sibling loss.

When I read the words in the article, it stopped me in my tracks. He had it right and pretty much perfect with what he said. It was so beautifully written and I agreed with every word. I did wonder what I could add. But I have been thinking about it – endless thinking time is a byproduct of losing someone you love – and while a loss seems clear, I think the connection you have with a sibling doesn’t have to be lost or end. In fact, while one of you is still here, that bond can’t truly end.

When my second sister died in 2023, I felt as if someone had cut off one of my limbs. Six months later my brother died, and it was as though I had been stabbed in the heart. I was completely shell-shocked. How could this be my reality? How was I supposed to just keep going, walking, talking and continuing like life somehow had to go on?

I’ve been thinking about my brother and how he must have felt when our first sister died when they were both in their 20s; I was only 9. All the questions that would have gone through his mind, some the same, some different to mine: Why did she die? Why did this have to happen? Why so young and why now? She was amazing and is now just suddenly gone. How are we supposed to go on without her? Almost an endless mind full of ever expanding questions. It was beyond devastating and my family continued with great difficulty, forever pained at her sudden, unexpected and the inexplicable removal from our happy family.

I was bereft at losing my super fun big sister. I had spent so much time with her, following her around, full of admiration at her coolness, kindness and beauty. I often wonder what it would have been like to have her as a sister when we were both adults – to travel with, meet for a cuppa or go to a concert with. To phone her up for wise advise, her thoughts on potential boyfriends or who is popular in music.

Though my second, much older sister and I didn’t grow up together, the particular bond you have, of growing up with the same parents, the same siblings, the same food cooked by the same people always binds you and she always made sense to me. All three of them were quite similar – genuinely kind, caring, fun well liked and music-loving people.

My brother, in some ways crossed a lot of experiences that I didn’t have with my sisters. I was born 13 years after him but we grew up together in the same house with him being around for my childhood and me becoming an adult. We went to concerts, football matches and tennis matches. We watched some of the same films and listened to many of the same albums together.

Football is particularly strange without him as he bought me my first Liverpool FC shirt when I was 7 years old (my older sisters were not into football so it’s interesting that he must of thought it was worth trying to get his little sister into liking it). Perhaps it’s something that he thought we could have in common. And we did, for over 30 years. All those matches, won and lost; goals, for and against; finals, some won, some despairingly lost. The nights away, the shared hotel rooms, meals together, songs sung collectively with others. We had that experience together. Of course I can watch matches with other people or solo, but the experience with my brother is missed because it comes with a shared history that no one else can have.

We loved and watched the Only Fools and Horses Christmas special The Jolly Boys’ Outing (1989) and the Eddie Murphy film Trading Places (1983) so many times that whenever we watched it we would take it in turns to quote lines before they were spoken. This gave us so many laughs and knowing looks that only we could share. He loved Only Fools and Horses and I, without a doubt, inherited that from him. In many ways, we were our own version of Del and Rodney, one much older and different in many ways but still making complete sense to each other.

There will always be unanswered questions, conversations that I can no longer have (I didn’t get to ask him if he wanted to go to the cup game against West Ham that December) and memories I’m trying to keep hold of. Those perfect, shared moments that only we knew and understood, never needing to explain, just getting it with a wry smile or a nod.

Last New Year’s when I watched Trading Places with my partner, I wondered how it would feel. I expected to feel emptiness and the loss underneath my skin, with each line we used to quote. Instead, it surprised me to feel a warmth filling up inside, like my brother was there with me. Maybe after all, you simply cannot break the sibling bond.

Related articles:

Actress Riley Keough talks about the loss of her brother, mum and grandfather on this podcast.

Elli Wood talks about how singing helped with her sister’s death in this BBC article.