By Amie McBye (Creating Conversations Volunteer, Drummer, Musician and Singer-Songwriter)
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to face fears after losing someone you love. It can suddenly become frightening to do things, as you realise that you are not here forever so you’d better get going with things, but at the same time you can feel paralysed with fear at the thought of doing them. How do you work through this? Knowing you’ll die whether you do them or not is not entirely helpful, but life after a loss, can feel really hard to step into and experience again.
When I was younger, I remember feeling hope whenever I heard that someone who had achieved something along the lines of success had experienced a loss along the way. Wow, I’d think; they have gone through that and somehow managed not to completely crumble forever.
I remember hearing actress and cook Lisa Faulkner talking about being a teenager when her mum died from cancer. At the time of reading this, she was already a successful actress. She had done modelling, acting, would go on to do more TV work and have her cookbooks published. Her first cookbook ‘Recipes from my Mother for my Daughter’ celebrated recipes she fondly remembered her mum cooking alongside family favourites.
Likewise, one of my favourite musicians and songwriters Kim Deal talked about losing both her parents, aunt and uncle within a year while making her first solo album. How did they manage to get up every day and not come to a permanent stand still after loss?
Paul McCartney and John Lennon both lost their mums as young boys, and look what they managed to achieve. How did they keep going, I’d wonder? How on earth did they take forward steps after such a huge shift through grief?
I had very much been pondering this myself earlier in the year, when faced with the daunting task of going back into the recording studio to finish songs I had previously been recording. It had been a long while. The last time I had been in the studio was a few months after losing my second sister and everything had already felt different then. I was freshly grieving and trying to work out where and who I was after such a life-changing experience.
My brother died two months after my last recording session, and I hadn’t really thought about trying to connect to that part of myself again. Well, I had, but the thought of reconnecting to that part of myself felt so daunting. I felt vulnerable and unconfident, still figuring things out.
Could I still do it? Was I still a person who connected with music in this way, and who was I now? My brother had passed away more than two years ago by then, and I wondered whether the music I had created before my losses still fit who I was. I had changed – could I still relate it? What were my hopes now, and did I still believe I could make my dreams come true? Did I still even have dreams and what were they now? What do I want to achieve while I’m still here?
At the end of last year, I faced the challenge of practicing and preparing for a studio booking this year. It was difficult. I had done music related things, but I had not faced working on my songs since the year I lost my sister and brother. I had totally disconnected from it.
Slowly though, I started to practice a handful of my songs one by one. I can’t tell you how hard it had been to sit on the drum kit again to practice my drum parts, and there were quite a few days when I thought about starting and couldn’t face it. I tried not to give myself a hard time and instead told myself that tomorrow is a new day.
I recently read an interview with the actor Tim Curry, arguably most famous for playing Dr Frank-N-Furter in both the stage production and the 1975 film The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which is one of my favourite films of all time. I can still remember the first time I saw it – late one night while I was still living in my family home – this crazy rock musical I had never heard of suddenly kicking in on TV and completely pulling me into it. I’ve seen it many times since, and have been to see it live in the theatre as well as at a sing-a-long at the Prince Charles Cinema. I think it’s fair to say that I am a massive fan.
The interview was a revelation. I knew that Curry had suffered a stroke a few years ago and now used a wheelchair, but it was remarkable to read about his childhood and his experience making the film I loved so much. His dad had died after a stroke when Curry was 11 years old. What a loss, I thought, and how amazing that he had achieved what he had after going through that.
I also thought of how it must have felt to go through having a stroke knowing it was also how he lost his father. He had survived though. Another example that it could be done. His courage created something wonderful that people all over the world enjoy years later, which is really special. Nothing is set in stone. The film originally didn’t do well and was considered a disaster. Curry said in the documentary Strange Journey (2025), “I was miserable that the film was a flop. I took it quite personally.” Yey here we are, some 50 years later, and it has a strong and loving fan base.
“I wasn’t sure that I had the courage to do it, and I did and that was good. I resolved to apply it to my life”. Tim Curry, Guardian
What struck me in the interview was when he said that he didn’t know that he would have the courage to perform his iconic role, but happy that he did. When you see someone step forward and own their work, you don’t imagine what they might have been through. I think we often assume that people we admire must have endless confidence and no doubts. But I think everyone we admire has had their fair share of trials and tribulations and is just trying their best. There is a lot to be said for, you know, just giving it a go.
My moto now is simply to take the next step.
I took a good few of those when I began practicing again: learning more about who and where I am now, becoming reacquainted with my music, going to record in Bristol, working with a collaborator, sitting behind the drum kit and putting myself into my music and having it recorded. So many steps; all of them so very scary. I wasn’t sure that I could do any of it and, of course, I had doubts along the way.
Maybe there is no magic secret. I’ve realised that I am doing what all those successful people I admired were doing all along.
Taking the next step.
Related articles:
Tim Curry interview in the Guardian
Kim Deal interview in the Guardian
Happy Place podcast episode – Chiwetel Ejiofor: Trauma and success can coexist! Re-learning what being strong means
Happy Place Video format of the podcast – Chiwetel Ejiofor: Trauma and success can coexist! Re-learning what being strong means