By Amie McBye (Social Media Volunteer & Grief Cafe Attendee)
Occasions can be strange without loved ones. This past Christmas there was a gaping hole where my brother used to be for me and my mum. It wasn’t as bewildering as the previous December when I had to visit the mortuary and register his death whilst people were Christmas shopping. I felt like I had come from another planet and, at that time, could not relate to anything in the world. Christmas is presented as a time with loved ones, but it is now also a reminder that my sisters, dad, and now brother are no longer here.
Occasions look different now.
This February, I celebrated my birthday with a trip to Iceland with friend. I’d always wanted to go and thought there was no time like the present. Due to adverse weather in Iceland that week, a couple of our planned tours did not go ahead and my friend was really upset by this. But what was so interesting for me was that I didn’t feel the same – I didn’t even feel that disappointed to be honest.
A little while ago, I was talking with a wonderful friend of my mine (who I’d met at my first Grief Cafe) about how things can look a lot clearer after loss. You see people, experiences, pain, joy – everything – differently, like the focus on a camera or the lens during an eye test at an opticians. You thought things were clear until you get shown a clearer view that you never knew existed.
Life can change in an instant, and things that once may have been annoying or stressful do not have the same impact anymore. This may not be understandable to those who have not gone through such life changing events.
My previous birthday was four days after my brother’s funeral and it was so strange and surreal. Needless to say, I was not feeling happiness then. I didn’t really feel anything.
But equally, now, any joy is magnified. How you feel is how you feel, you just have to go with it.
For example, earlier this year I cried watching Madison Keys winning the Australian Open women’s singles title for the first time. People had been saying for years that she had the talent to do so but people had doubted her. Her joy at almost 30 and having got there after the struggles, doubt, hard work and ups and downs was so beautiful. I also cried because the person I wanted to share that moment with was my brother; my ally and fellow big sports fan. In that moment I really missed him and felt real pain.
In Iceland, however, I felt so much joy. I had an unbelievable in-water massage at The Blue Lagoon, got caught in a hailstorm while soaking in outdoor thermal springs, and enjoyed thoughtful surprises from my partner, including a birthday playlist and gig tickets. My birthday was filled with kindness—from champagne at breakfast to a surprise wrapped pastry in a café, VIP tickets from a friend to the LAVA Show, a free cocktail, a stunning dinner at Fish Market with a special dessert and Polaroid keepsake, and a kind birthday message with Icelandic chocolates from the staff at the hotel. I felt such good will and positivity from the people of Iceland.
And all that in 3 nights – I was so far from disappointed. I actually felt internally very happy.
Returning home, I cheered in the street as my team Liverpool FC scored their 3rd and 4th goal in the League Cup semi final. Another joyful moment for my birthday week. Another final without my brother. He would have been thrilled.
I am grateful to be here seeing things so very clearly. I couldn’t ask for any more than that.
So, birthdays, Christmas, occasions – there are no rules. ‘You don’t have to do nothing’ but you don’t have to do anything either.
Related articles:
Experiencing occasions without loved ones – the Guardian
A change in perspective after loss – The BBC